


Memories to Last a Lifetime

by morbid_solemn



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Children, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Married Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 16:06:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16122029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morbid_solemn/pseuds/morbid_solemn
Summary: What's the point of living if the rest of your life is gone?





	Memories to Last a Lifetime

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoy listening to music while you read, you can listen to Michael Buble's "End of May" and "Soflty As I Leave You." They're both wonderfully fitting.

The sunlight struggled past the drawn curtains. The birds chirped sweetly in the trees just outside. But it was the aching in your heart that woke you. Your hand lingered on your stomach, feeling the growing pit inside and out. Your phone began to ring and then you realized that you had stayed in your bed for at least half an hour. Sarah and James didn’t come up the stairs and so you knew they were at sleepovers. You closed your eyes. _“Thank god that worked out.”_ You loved your children more than you could bear, but today wasn’t the best day for it.

 _You had prepared for this presentation for days. You knew the information better than you knew yourself. All you had to do was explain your latest findings on the Tesseract. You restarted your presentation, practicing in your mind. “_ It was found in Excavation Site 52A-B. Along with Captain Rogers,” _you paused and the butterflies in your stomach flew rampantly. You knew that he would be here for this briefing, as would Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. But it was Steven Rogers who had you in knots. You had read all about him in school and everything about him was fascinating to you. His bravery, his self-sacrifice; he continued to throw himself in the face of danger for what he believed in._

_S.H.I.E.L.D. agents began to file into the room and you realized you had no more time to practice. It was times like these that you wished you weren’t the head of your department. This meant that you were solely responsible for any mishaps, missed deadlines, and presentations. You kept your eyes trained on your computer screen, refusing to look up in case he walked in._

_“Alright, then. Let’s see what you’ve got, Dr. Y/L/N.” Director Fury was sitting now so you nodded and began._

_“As we all know, the Tesseract was found in Excavation Site 52A-B, with Captain Rogers.” And then you made the foolish mistake you knew you would. Your eyes drifted over to him and you were stuck. You locked eyes and then you couldn’t move. The room fell away and all that was left was him._

_“Dr. Y/L/N,” Director Fury’s voice brought you back. “I don’t think you’re being paid to do nothing.”_

_“Sorry,” you murmured, returning to your presentation with a blush on your cheeks._

_It was over soon enough; you had gotten back on track and the words flowed easily after that. You answered questions about the possibility of the Tesseract as a power source and if it could cause any lasting health effects. The agents began to leave the room, but as you stowed your belongings into your bag you noticed a presence beside you._

_“Hi, Steve Rogers,” he stuck his hand out in front of you._

_“Y/N Y/L/N,” you shook his hand._

_“I’m not too great with this stuff, so this,” he waved his hand around the projected presentation, “kinda just went over my head. But how does it work?” He pointed to the picture of the Tesseract._

_“Well,” you sighed. “We don’t know yet. We know some of the stuff it can do, but we’re still trying to figure out how it’s powered. We do know that it has a really stupid amount of energy and it needs to stay out of the wrong hands.”_

_“Then I guess it’s a good thing I flew it into the ocean.”_

_“I guess it is,” you smiled._

Your phone continued to ring, and soon you heard the cries of your daughter, Natasha, from the other room. You closed your eyes and pulled the phone towards you. You answered the call as you walked into the nursery.

“Hello?” You asked, wedging the phone between your shoulder and your ear as you picked up Natasha.

“Hey, just checking in.”

“I’m fine, Bucky.” You rocked Natasha back and forth while whispering soft words to her.

“It’s 1 in the afternoon and it sounds like you just woke up.”

“Am I not allowed to sleep in?” You retorted. Bucky sighed over the phone.

“I’m not gonna let you wallow in that house by yourself.” Bucky’s voice stayed firm.

“I’m not alone. Natasha’s here,” you placed a finger on her little nose. She giggled and you smiled. “Yes, she is.”

“Then I’ll come by and say hi to her.” You sighed as the phone line went dead. You held her close you as you exited the room. You started down the stairs with a hand on the railing.

_Your foot slipped and your heart stopped as you realized you were about to fall down the stairs. But an arm was pressed against you and you found your footing. You placed a hand against your beating heart and placed your other hand on Steve’s arm._

_“Are you okay?” Steve asked, looking down at you. Your hand moved down your round stomach._

_“Oh my god,” you breathed. “I could’ve-”_

_“Hey, you just slipped. You’re fine, the baby’s fine, everything’s fine.” He pulled you down to sit on the step with him._

_“Yeah,_ this _time. I’m so fucking clumsy, Steve. What if-“_

_“Nothing. We’re going to have this baby and he’s going to be fine and so are you.”_

_“But what about after? What if I drop him? Steve, I don’t think I’m cut out for this.” Steve took your hand._

_“Are you kidding me?” He scoffed. “You’re the most loving, caring, nurturing person I’ve ever met. Now, I’m not going to say you’re not clumsy, because you are. But when it really comes down to it, I know that you’re going to do whatever it takes to protect this child. And I’m always going to be here to catch you.” You wrapped your arms around him and felt him laugh more than you heard him._

_“I love you,” you mumbled into his shirt._

You lingered on the step, staring at where the two of you had sat. Something rolled in your stomach, but the butterflies that had lingered there were long gone. Natasha cooed in your arms and rocked her while walking down the stars with your hand on the railing. You placed her in the high chair and poured out some Cheerios on the table for her. She picked one up with chubby fingers and happily chomped it down. You smiled at her as you made your coffee. It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang. You sighed and walked towards the door.

“Hey,” you said, opening the door. Bucky stepped inside before hugging you.

“Hey.” He looked around at the quiet house. “When are my favorite nieces and nephew?”

“James and Sarah are at two different sleepovers. I planned it a while back.” He looked at you with disappointment.

“I just need to be alone today, Bucky.”

“No, you don’t. I’m sorry, but you need to move past this and you can’t do that alone.”

“Move past it?” You laughed bitterly. “How can I move past it when it feels like the world isn’t turning anymore?” You looked out of the window to see a woman walking her dog. A smile was on her face and you wondered how it was possible. “But everything’s the same. People just go on living like nothing’s wrong and I can’t breathe. I see people walking outside like it’s just another day but my heart isn’t even beating. How do they do it? How do they do on living when there’s nothing to live for?”

“It’s been over a year, Y/N.”

“It’s been over a year without him and I don’t want to do it anymore.”

_You sat beside James and Sarah at the front row. You looked down at your black dress and barely recognized it. You hadn’t had a reason to wear it before. James stared blankly from his seat. His eyes were puffy and red, as was his nose. Streaks of tears began to dry on his face. The wind blew across Sarah’s face but it wasn’t the cold that was making her cry. You pulled them towards you, her sobs racking your body. You screwed your eyes shut and forced yourself to breathe._

_“It’s okay, honey. It’s going to be alright.” You lied. Bucky walked up to you._

_“We should start.” He said, placing a hand on your shoulder._

_“I don’t think I can,” you whispered. You looked over and saw his hands. They were bruised and speckles of dried blood coated his knuckles. Bucky squeezed your shoulder and you let go of Sarah and James, placing a kiss on her head and another on James’s.. You walked numbly to the podium. You stared at the crowd: the military officials, the news reporters. You looked closer and saw your family and friends. You swallowed thickly and looked down. “Steve Rogers was the kindest, bravest, most strong-willed person I have ever met. It’s why I married him. He was the loving, supportive husband that I needed. He was the caring, nurturing father that my kids needed. He risked his life every day for what he believed in. He gave his life to protect millions.” You paused and began again, your voice even and monotone. You practiced it day in and day out because if you knew if you hadn’t, you would have simply cried. “Steve may not be with us anymore but what he’s done will always be with us. The lives he’s saved will go on to make a difference.” You looked down squeezing your hands. “Don’t let his death be meaningless.” Your feet carried you away from the podium and towards the casket. You remembered picking it out just a few weeks ago._

_You stood over the casket and his face came into view. It was the same lips you kissed endlessly. The same cheekbones your thumbs would run across. It was the nose that would crinkle when he laughed at your stupid jokes. The blond hair you had run your hands through too many times to count. And you knew that beneath those eyelids were the same eyes that had caused you to falter in your presentation all those years ago. You fell to your knees, your hands gripping the edge of the casket. As the sobs ripped through you, you grabbed his hands and squeezed them tighter than anything. You pressed your forehead against the polished wood as tears cascaded down your face. You felt a hand on your back and you knew it was Bucky. He led you off the stage and away from the funeral._

Natasha babbled from the kitchen and the two of you walked over. You picked her up and rocked her. Her breathing slowed and you sighed.

“She didn’t sleep at all last night,” you explained to Bucky. You both walked upstairs. Bucky leaned against the door frame while you placed her in the crib. She rolled onto her side and you pulled the blanket over her. You played with her blonde curls for a moment before joining Bucky in the doorway.

“I can’t imagine doing any of this without him.”

“You did it before.”

“That was different. He was coming back then. It was just temporary. But now it’s real, it’s solid, and I can’t do it. I can’t imagine raising our kids without him. I can’t imagine growing old without him. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to grow old without him. I don’t want to live anymore, Bucky. But I can’t do that to the kids. I can’t leave them like that. He wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“Tell me you’re not thinking about it again.” Bucky sighed as he turned to look at you.

“How could I not?” You turned away from Natasha. “He took a part of me with him when he died, Bucky. I’m never getting that back.”

“You have to work past this.”

“God, don’t even say that.” You moved past him and walked down the stairs. “It’s not possible and I just want people to stop saying it to me. I can’t just move on and forget him.”

“You don’t have to forget him, you know.” Bucky followed you down.

“Everything reminds me of him. The more I think about him, the more I can’t go on.” You sat on the couch. “I just want him back.”

_“What do you mean, Steve?” You asked. He sighed in frustration, pacing the room. “Just explain it to me, because all I’m hearing is that you want to leave your family behind!”_

_“That’s not true and you know it!” He stopped to look at you. “I love you and the kids and I don’t want to go, but it’s moments like these…”_

_“That what?” You asked. He didn’t answer and so you stepped forward. “’Moments like these’ that what, Steve?!”_

_“That make me think I don’t love you! That I should just leave because I can’t stand you!” Silence filled the room. You blinked._

_“Oh.” You stepped back unsteadily. He stepped forward to comfort you, but you took another step back with your hand on your round stomach, defensively. The hurt in his eyes was clear. “You should go.”_

_“Y/N.” He titled his head, imploringly._

_“I’m serious. If you don’t love me, you shouldn’t force yourself to stay here with us.” You spat back._

_“That’s not what I meant.” He grabbed your hand but you pulled away._

_“That’s exactly what you meant!” You sniffled. It would be only moments before you began to cry. “You don’t love me! You hate me!” You began to sob. Steve moved to hold you, but you turned away. You sat down and held your face in your hands, muffling your cries._

_“No, hey,” Steve sat down beside you. “I love you. I do. I just hate this situation. I hate that I can’t stay with my family and stand up for what I believe in. But I can’t stand by while the world falls apart. When we got married, you promised to be there for me…”_

_“That’s such a shitty thing to say, Steve.” You wiped your nose and cleared your throat. “Of course, I want to be there for you. But you said the same thing to me that day. Why do I have to be the one who gives in and lets you do what you want?”_

_“It’s not about giving in! It’s about both of us understanding that I_ have _to do this! It’s about both of sacrificing things to keep the world from breaking!”_

_“Fine,” you scoffed and smiled bitterly. “You go ahead and save the world. I’ll stay here and raise our children. And then in a couple of months, you’ll tell me you have to save the world again. And I’ll stay here and continue to raise our kids.”_

_“This isn’t going to be an everyday thing.” He sighed._

_“Yes, it will! Because the world will always need saving, and you’ll always help it! And I love you so goddamn much that I’ll just let you do it!”_

_“Y/N,”_

_“Just go, Steve,” you scoffed. “We both know you will.”_

You looked over at the seat next to you, where Steve had sat. “We had this big fight right before he left.” Bucky sat beside you.

“Yeah, Steve told me about that. He said you guys had made up though.” Bucky smiled at the thought. “He was _so damn happy_. He was so excited to see you and the kids.” Bucky looked down, shaking his head slightly. “I’d never seen him like that.”

“I got there too late, Bucky.”

 _“Y/N, wait!” someone had yelled but it didn’t matter, because there was a body on the ground and it didn’t look right._ It didn’t feel right. _Your heart beat loudly in your chest while your tongue felt heavy in your mouth. You pushed through the people, your legs carrying you unsteadily to the body. You fell to your knees beside the body, your fingers running over the beard you had never seen before._

_“No, no, no,” the words sounded in your ears. It was only as your fingers traced his cheekbones that you realized they were your words. Your fingers wrapped around the back of his neck and you placed your forehead next to his. “No, please, no.” Your entangled your fingers in the long blond strands. “I’m sorry!” You sobbed as you lay beside him on the ground. Something cold and wet soaked into your clothes and you realized it was his blood. “Oh, god. Not like this,” you cried, leaning your forehead into the crook between his shoulder and his neck. You placed an arm under his, your hand grasping his shoulder. “I love you, darling, I love you.”_

“You two never made up?” Bucky asked.

“On the phone, yeah, but it wasn’t enough.”

“Nothing would have been enough. Did you tell him that you loved him?”

“Of course.” You frowned.

“Then that’s enough.” Bucky placed a hand on your shoulder. “He knew that you loved him. He thought he was coming home. He died with you and the kids on his mind. I’m sure he died happy.”

_Steve dealt out orders, but there was a lingering thought in his mind. He could see you laughing and holding your youngest daughter while Sarah and James played in the front yard. He stored the memory away and ran into the face of danger._

_Something wasn’t right. A pit grew in Steve’s stomach and suddenly he knew this was it._

This would be another long and boring debriefing that Steve wouldn’t understand. He’d sit in the back and struggle to understand why he was there, but, hopefully, it’d be over soon. The presenter began and Steve looked up. She had said something, but he hadn’t heard it, and now she was looking directly at him. His heart beat faster in his chest, but when Director Fury spoke, his eyes were drawn away. The presentation moved quickly, Steve watching the way you moved your hands, the way you enunciated your words, the way you brushed your hair aside as you spoke. He noticed every little thing, wishing he had a pen and paper now because you were _the most beautiful thing he had ever seen._ People began to leave, and Steve knew he had to talk to you. He had no idea what to say to you, but he knew he had to speak to you.

_Suddenly, the earth had shifted and now the cold ground was against his back. He blinked slowly, eyes struggling to stay open. He could see you in bed now._

The streams of sunlight from the early morning filtered through the room. Steve had just returned from his morning run, but you were still sleeping. You turned in your sleep but didn’t wake. He sat beside you and placed a hand on your waist.

“I love you more than you know,” he whispered. A smile formed on your face and Steve blinked in surprise.

“I know.” You reached up and pulled him down to you. “I love you, too.”

_His eyelids felt heavier and sleep called to him. You had called earlier. It was difficult for him to remember exactly what you said, but one line lingered._

“I love you more than you know.”

_Steve closed his eyes._

You placed your hands on your lap and looked down. “Today was the day we met.” A smile played on your lips.

“Really?” Bucky chuckled.

“Yeah, he was so awkward when he spoke to me.” You laughed. “I mean, he started off pretty good, but when it got to ‘Would you like to have coffee with me?’ it came out as ‘Would you like to have me with coffee?’” Bucky snorted and you looked at him with a smile. “What, Steve didn’t tell you about that?”

“No, he didn’t. Probably ‘cause he knew I’d never let him live it down.” You nodded and laughed. “He was never too great with the ladies.”

“But he was great with me.” You smile turned sad. “I can’t imagine that we’re never going to have more memories like that again.” You smiled as you thought of when he had told you that he loved you more than you knew. “But I know that I’ll always have the memories from before. And I’ve got memories to last a lifetime.”


End file.
